The maid of honor just puked.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
