I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
