Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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