I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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