That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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