The maid of honor just puked.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
