Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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