i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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