You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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