paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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