she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We are all done wearing pants today
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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