We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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