I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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