Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
