dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
