I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
