I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
