you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize