Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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