Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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