Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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