yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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