No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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