I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
