I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
