and you said cock pushups were impossible
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
