Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
