I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
