You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
