i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
