You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
