If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
