i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
