Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
