dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize