areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
