We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
