Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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