good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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