Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
