The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
