Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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