I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
