just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
