i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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