I have demons in me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
