he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
