I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
