i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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