Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
