I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize