chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
