I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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