if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
