Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
