Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
